Let me start off this entry by saying I can't stand Valentine's Day, as a matter of fact I fucking hate it with a passion. A wise man once told me "you can never win on Valentine's Day, you can only lose". So when Phoenix Marie, my superfantabulous girlfriend, comes home with all kinds of gifts and presents for me for Valentine's Day, and all I got her was one of those cheesy, gigantic cards that says "I Love You", that makes for a very bad situation. For me.
And there was only one way out.........Disneyland. Allow me to fill you in. Phoenix Marie grew up in the Riverside area, which is not very far from Disneyland. So she grew up with her family taking her there many, many, many times. So even though she is now 27, and definitely a mature adult, she still has a yearly pass to Disneyland, and its her favorite thing to do. And yes I am dead serious.
I, on the other hand, am 34 years old and outgrew going to amusement parks about the same time as I finished high school (unless its to go watch the Fiesta Texas country show, where I was banging one or two of the singers.....but that's neither here nor there). Not Phoenix Marie! Additionally, she has gone there with all her previous boyfriends, and I wanted to stop that trend. I held out for over a year, but with my admittedly shitty performance on Valentine's Day, I was backed into a corner. So I had to agree to not only go to Disneyland, but to stay as long as she wanted. And guess what people....she wanted to get there at 8am and leave around midnight. I wish I were making that up.
So we drove 75 minutes to the city of Anaheim where Disneyland is located.
Her pass gets her free parking and bonus!, it's only 2 miles away from the park rather than the standard 4 miles away for common folk.
We hike through the free shopping mall, pass the unbelievably gigantic Disney Store, and head over to where you go in.
We made our way through the crack security team manning the perimeter.....
and passed a HORDE of people waiting to buy tickets to get in. And remember a single day pass for an adult is 139 dollars. Aren't we in a recession? WTF?
The entrance to Disneyland has the requisite Mickey Mouse logo, and a cool train that drives around.
We passed that and headed into the place to get my personal passport (Phoenix has some unrealistic designs on me actually returning to this place).
The front entrance has photo ops with Goofy, Pluto, and here is the line to get a pic with Minnie Mouse. See that line.........get used to it.
Phoenix Marie was like a little schoolgirl (not the kind we are all wishing she was dressed as right now either) and she beckoned me to walk down Main Street with her.
I spied a fruit stand, and purchased an apple. For 1.75. For one apple. What am I, at the fucking airport now?
Phoenix always get her fortune first thing that she does at Disneyland. Here you go. By the way, please forgive her lack of makeup today. This is the real Phoenix Marie, and I think she is absolutely gorgeous just like that.....so suck it fanboys!
Okay lets get to the rides........
First up was Space Mountain. It was here that I noticed a very, very, very, very annoying thing about going to Disneyland with Phoenix Marie. She has been here literally hundreds of times. So even though a large portion of the fun of a roller coaster ride is the fear of the unknown......I didn't have to worry about that. Why not you ask? Well because Phoenix was calling out what was going to happen the entire ride. "here we go left" "look to your right" "get ready" "and left". It couldn't have been more annoying if she tried.
Here is the pic of me on Space Mountain. Notice two things about this pic, actually three things. One, I am pretty scared.....I can admit that. Two, Phoenix is making a ridiculous gang sign pose, which she did for almost every picture and it was again, completely ridiculous. And three, Phoenix knows exactly when the picture is being taken on all the rides and poses on purpose. How lame is that?
Next up was the Matterhorn. yummm....sexy Phoenix!
I liked this ride, even with Phoenix calling out when the abominable snowmen were going to come out and scare us.
After this ride, we wandered through the park for a bit. Here is a great picture of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
And here is Phoenix's favorite dwarf......Dopey. Nice.
The princess in front of her castle......
Her idol, Walt Disney with Mickey.....
And here is Goofy.......with a statue of Goofy next to her. :)
She forced me to wear a button stating that it was my first visit to Disneyland. Again, my lack of pride is shocking, I know.
Next up was Adventureland.
We chose Pirates of the Caribbean first....cool ride, long, with cool with tons of animatronic people singing and dancing.
Next up was the Indiana Jones ride, where while waiting in line (for more than 30 minutes), we noticed the peculiar dude in front of us.......Holy shit! Look at his gear! The white things dangling from his leather jacket? Skulls. Look closely at his belt....a skull. Man that dude should NOT be anywhere NEAR children.
Not only am I working for 8 bucks an hour, but I have to wear this ridiculous fedora as well.....
The ride itself was very cool, bumpy, with lots of turns and gyrating....
After those rides, we were hungry, so we walked through the park again to where she always eats. Check out the cool boats you can take a tour through the park on. Very cool.
We passed a shooting range arcade. While Phoenix was shooting, I was searching for a real rifle to blow myself away and save me from this current predicament. Good lord.
Oh, we saw Memphis Monroe there at the park signing autographs as well!
For lunch, Phoenix had the broccoli and cheese soup, and I had the corn chowder with chives and ham. Delicious. (You didn't think I would make a blog entry and NOT include pictures of my food did you? Please.)
Next up was California Adventure.
I posed under the C for Christian, my name.
Phoenix posed under the A for Anal, her specialty. :)
First up for the rides was the California Screamin', my favorite ride of the day. Even if Phoenix continued to call out what was about to happen. It had a complete 360 degree loop in it, and was the closest thing to a real scary roller coaster ride in the park.
This is my favorite pic snapped at the top of the ride.
Oh I almost forgot, this picture takes me back to when a young Maxx Diesel entered San Francisco for the first time. LOL.
The last ride of the day was the Maliboomer. Bonus points for the anti-throw up shield (I came close).
Oh here I am using the binoculars........I was trying to look for Hailey Young's boobs. :)
I had made it over 6 hours at this horrid, horrid place. My feet were killing me and my back hurt from wearing the wrong shoes to be walking (and standing) around. See the look on my face........not good people, not good.
That's the toughest thing about Disneyland.....the waiting in lines. Soaring Over California is a great example. You wait in line over 30 minutes just to enter the ride. Then you are ushered through a rope into another line for another 10 minutes. Then you are ushered into ANOTHER line for another 5 minutes. And then the ride starts. Hard on the old feets, wouldn't you agree?
At 7pm, she wanted to ride a few more rides, then eat dinner, then watch a show, and then watch the fireworks display at 10pm! There was just no way, I was beaten down like Michael Vick's dogs. Over six hours of Disneyland was going to have me try to drown myself in front of "It's A Small World".
Phoenix was NOT happy with me, but I had to get going. Plus Laura from Naughty America, called me and made fun of me for being "pussywhipped", which Phoenix didn't find nearly as funny as Laura.
The night ended predictably with Phoenix looking like this as we got back into my car to drive home. Again, I didn't win, I only lost. What can I do? Just another reason to completely hate Valentine's Day.
It's amazing that you stopped updating months ago, and I keep coming back and reading. That's a sign that you have a knack for writing.
Honestly, if you ever decide to publish your memoirs when your career is complete (like Nikki Sixx did with the Heroin Diaries), I would pick that up the day it came out.
Posted by: UMsfinest | February 23, 2009 at 10:50 AM
Hello Christian,
Great to see another entry in what I consider one of the best blogs ever. It is fully understandable that you're not putting all your free time in this blog on a daily basis anymore. However, a periodical entry such as this is greatly appreciated!
Keep up the good work!
A fan from Belgium
Posted by: petey | February 26, 2009 at 05:26 AM
Lol. You owed her big time! I remember what you got her for Christmas. You suck ass at buying gifts. lol Why in the hell did you buy an Apple? This is DISNEY-Frickin land. Live it up a little. Eat some cotton candy or some shizz that’s guaranteed to clog your arties. I don’t know what’s funnier, the picture of you guys on the rollercoaster, or the fact that you had on that ridiculous pen. Love it. lol I’m definitely going to Disneyland one day.
Posted by: Devoted Satellite | March 04, 2009 at 08:38 PM
biggest bummer part is the Napa Rose restaurant in the Grand Californian at Disneyland is one of the best in Orange County, you missed out.
Posted by: timebeing | March 13, 2009 at 12:22 AM