Hello...It's Laura Again For The Final Guest Blog

I have never met a bigger pain in the ass than Christian.

When he asked me to contribute to his blog at the end of this year, I was naturally inclined to make a post that was oozing with sarcasm. Faithful CSTB readers would expect nothing less, right? But then I began to think about the things we have been through and I realized that I actually had something worthy to write about. We met almost four years ago and our relationship has evolved from one of business to a friendship like I have never experienced before. He is an intelligent person who I can bring around any of my friends and family and I don't have to worry about him fitting in or acting like a tool. He is a good person with a good heart... he just happens to like a little drama in his life and he likes to start shit on message boards. To be honest with you, I stopped reading this blog about 2 months ago because I couldn't deal with the flurry of nonsense that goes along with it. Sometimes he forgets that I am trying to run a business. The redundancy of it was becoming a little tiresome anyway.... I figured if it was anything other than the girl he banged, the food he ate or the poker game he lost I would hear about it from him directly.

At the end of 2007 Naughty America took a trip to the UK to shoot and Christian, of course, was our guide and helped us through the entire ordeal with his vast knowledge and experience of traveling in London.
 
On our trip to Buenos Aires, Argentina,
       

    
   

...things were a little different. You see, Christian and I can spend about 3 days together before I want to murder him. The Chicago trip was right after Argentina

   

   

and was sort of a continuation of his jerkoff behavior and the leftover irritation from having spent waaay too much time together. We are like polar opposites on trips: I love sightseeing all day and getting drunk in dive bars at night, while he likes internet cafes and gyms. Add in his whacked out sleep schedule and you have a disaster on your hands because everyone knows that when you are on vacation with me, you do things my way. 

Christian is the unofficial contract boy of Naughty America having done more scenes than any other male performer. He gives me a list of who he wants to work with, I do my best to make that happen, he shows up late to set, harasses the shit out of my crew, calls me after the scene to give me the full report, and then blogs about it, all the while pimping out Naughty America. Then there are the times when I have him booked with someone who at the last minute decides she doesn't want to do the scene. It would be in my best interest to simply lie to him and say there was a time/scheduling conflict or that I decided to put her in a different scene for a different site, but I like to be honest with him. Honesty usually ends up in a text message war, which in turn leads to a phone call where I scream at him that this is not his company and that he will fuck who I tell him to fuck and then my blood pressure goes sky high and I let him get the best of me. Why? Because I am stupid. Most times he wants me to cancel the girl and he thinks that I am not being a friend to him by allowing her to be homophobic. Generally I can't let it go and I feel the need to explain myself about why I do the things I do when really what I should do is ignore him. It has taken me a long time to realize that if we are in a fight it is usually because of one of the following three things: #1) He is probably at the gym in a testosterone rage. #2) He has done two scenes today and is need of a nap, or #3) He has just woken up from a nap. (Or any combination of #1, #2, and #3) In our most recent battle I drafted an email telling him off and waited to send it. I knew by morning he would come to his senses and apologize, understanding that this is not The Christian Show. I am right ninetyninepointninepercent of the time.

On 4 or 5 occasions this year we didn't speak for several days at a time.  It was a game of cat and mouse that never really lasted more than a week. The spell would be broken by a girl who would ONLY work with him (damn you Lisa Lipps), general gossip that we couldn't go another day holding in, the death of my beloved dog Sierra, or the fact that we just missed each other. Why, you ask, am I friends with someone who I want to choke after a few days and who drives me utterly fucking insane?

Let us list the shining moments of 2008 in no particular order: (you know there was no way I can do this without sarcasm)

The 8, 9, 10 phone calls/texts in a row trying to get me to call him back (Hey fucktard, I am obviously busy!)

The constant arguments over whether dogs have human emotions such as fear, happiness or sadness.

 The embellishments on the blog and the glaring inaccuracies to liven up the stories (I never spent $25 on one bet at the Del Mar Race Track)

The groveling, apologizing audio file that was deleted the morning I posted it.

The time I hacked into the Naughty America forums under his screen name and posted a thread titled "I Love Laura More Than My Blog" (http://forums.naughtyamerica.com/showthread.php?t=24241)

The time he fell asleep on my sofa and refused to move for 3 hours after his triathlon WITHOUT showering first. Gross!

 

The roses I got a few months ago as an apology for being a shithead for the 248^th time this year.

 At the tail end of a big fight in July, one of my favorite texts of the whole year: "So wait, because your pet died, all is forgotten?" Classic testosterone moment!

 

 

The loving way he beat up on my niece and her friends.

The photo shoots with Ron and Linda!

The beautiful thing about a friendship is when you can make each other laugh (in our case it is usually at someone else's expense), you can have quiet moments where you don't have to speak, you carry on intelligent conversations about many diverse topics and you share life experiences and knowledge. But most importantly, you inspire each other. You bring things to the relationship that you have learned over the years and you teach the other person from your own journeys and mistakes. You listen and learn about places you haven't been and you strive to know more.

Christian's obsessive workouts inspired me to take better care of my body and get my fucking fat ass in shape. I drink less (well, ok, I drink less frequently, but when I do, I make it really count!), I eat better, and I sleep like a rock at night because of the workouts. I don't have a ton of free time so it took me a while to get into the routine of it, but I totally understand him now. It's a great way for me to maintain balance and deal with the stress of my job. By spending time at the gym, I allow myself 30 minutes a day on the stationary bike to read more books. Now I go through several books a month. One day this past year he called me to tell me that he was feeling more stupider and he was worried that being in the business was making him dumberer. I looked at my own stupiderness and realized that I was living in a little porn bubble and vowed to do something about it. When I read books (mostly non-fiction) I begin to think about my own life, either my own adventures in this industry or the many awful blind dates that I go on….. and I feel inspired to publish something someday. Who cares if I sell only 5 copies!? I actually might even start taking cooking classes and start some kind of culinary blog. He also taught me about lazy Sundays and taking the time to do nothing. I learned to take one day out of the month to do nothing except lay around in my pajamas and watch TV.

I am teaching Christian about the joy of food. I remember one of the first times we went out to eat he made me go to IHOP one night. I wanted to die. I refused to eat and only ordered an iced-tea. I believe that I have inspired him to be a more adventurous eater. He is far from "foodie" status because he can't get past seafood (although he is fine with a can of tuna, so we do have hope folks) and we haven't even gotten into molecular gastronomy. Also, the fact that he freaks out when I try to sample things off his plate is completely inexcusable. (I have to give him the point for the grill-your-own-steak place, that whole concept is kinda ghetto... but still, I like it because I can eat my steak pretty much raw there) You have witnessed this progression throughout the year and seen him break away from the chicken teriyaki habit. I have also been working on teaching him about accepting and tolerating the choices that other people make. When a girl doesn't want to work with him, it doesn't always mean she thinks he is a fag with AIDS, it might simply mean that she may not want to be the subject of tomorrow's blog entry where he calls her average looking and overweight. Getting Christian to be more sensitive is an arduous process that I have been chipping away at (much like when they made Mt. Rushmore which took about 14 years lol.)  I remind him of the perils of being too open on his blog. I try my best to point out dangerous words and topics that might come back to haunt him. Sometimes he doesn't listen to me but I can only try to help him make the right decisions.

I wish for him to have an envelope fall out of the sky with the remainder of the money he needs to pay off his student loans. I wish a job opportunity to land in his lap which would allow him to stop performing. I want him to wake up in the morning and not let the behavior and actions of a few ignorant people drag him down. I think the blog was a spiritual journey for him, which allowed him to see deep inside and share his thoughts with thousands of strangers in a therapeutic, cleansing way. I hope he finds happiness in his future relationships and I hope he patches up the relationships that have been damaged by these last 12 months. Has he grown spiritually? Has he become a better person? What has he done positive for himself? How has he changed? Those are tough questions to answer. (I do think that owning the hedgehogs might have made him a wee bit more sensitive.) It saddens each of us when the other has a bad day, because there is not much we can do for each other when we live in different cities. Actually there really isn't much we could do for each other even if we lived in the same city except give hugs. I wish I had answers .... or an out for him.

(SIDENOTE: I know the real reason he is stopping the blog. It is severely cutting into his WOW time. I haven't even heard him talk about it in months! Will he continue to take photos of his food? Maybe he can join the Facebook group I am in where people take photos of their food before they eat it. Additionally, I told him as a big fat middle finger fuck you to all the haters that he should post a photo of himself sucking off a hot tranny on the last day of the year. That would be so awesome!)

Being BFFs with someone can be a rewarding and enriching experience, but can also be trying on one's nerves. Like any friendship we have our moments of frustration, but they come with a lot of laughter and a lot of good times. As much as I complain about the incessant calls and text messages, I would be sad and lost without them. We share deep dark secrets that the other 16,492 of you do not know. Christian is a loyal friend to me and one of my best friends in the whole world. I can tell him anything. No matter where I am and no matter what I need he will always be there for me. When I had a particularly challenging day a few weeks ago he offered to drive down to San Diego to hang out with me. (He is loyal like a dog, but hairless, so you dont have to worry about the shedding!) I think about all the friends I have had over the years that I swore I would never lose touch with who I don't even speak to now. Christian will never be one of those. If you have a BFF don't wait to tell them how much you love them. Do it today.

 

Dear Christian,

Thank you for being my BFF.

Love,
Laura

(P.S. My only regret of 2008 is that we were too lazy to set up the tent in the backyard and take photos of you sleeping in it. )

 

Comments

[themanshan]

I think this should be post of the year!

[JimmyBones]

This song is how I feel about this blog leaving my life: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=elBGHdvlYgk&feature=related